We Really Need To Solve This Nanny Situation

No surprise, our awesome after school nanny from last year needed a teensy break from our family and now we’re on our own. I never expected to find Mary Poppins – or hell, even Sharry Bobbins – but this is getting ridiculous.

As a last resort, we hired a Nanny Agency specializing in college students to find us someone to pick the kids up after school, bring them home, and referee them until we’re done working. Not that tough. Keep everyone alive until 6:30 PM. Check.

Step one was an interview with the agency. A girl – and I mean girl, she was probably 23 – came over to meet us. I could see her get out of her car, smooth out her suit jacket and stride purposefully up the driveway. MGM (6) saw her, too, and – in his usual fashion – threw the front door wide open and ran away. [Why does this always happen? Where is Stranger Danger? Once I was upstairs and came down to find a guy already in the vestibule asking if I wanted to buy some steaks. Answer: No. And when did door-to-door meat sales become a thing?]

But this time, instead of hiding, MGM grabbed a whole bottle of Cheap Yellow Wine from the fridge and an obscene bottle opener and ran to greet the Agency Girl, waving both arms. “Mom, I have your wine to share!” What a delightful little host.

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Agency Girl got past that and asked what our most important quality in a nanny would be. My response: Non-molesty.

The interview went downhill from there but she still accepted our check with a promise to find someone great.

Candidate #1 was Doris, who listed her hobbies as playing bridge at the Senior Center and playing with her great-grandchildren. Call me crazy, but I had a sneaking suspicion that Doris wasn’t really a college student. I envisioned my kids breaking her hip within the first five minutes and had to give her a pass.

Candidate #2 was Amber, who actually was in college and seemed great. Exactly what we were looking for. We set up a date to start the following week and I got thisclose to giving her a key to our house until my Ever Patient Spouse told me to hold my horses. Good thing, because Amber promptly flunked her drug test and was out of the running. One of the stipulations with working for the agency is that they tell you upfront you will be drug tested. Oh, Amber! Perhaps you were too stoned to read the fine print on the application.

Candidate #3 was Becky, and all I’m going to say is that she definitely was not in college, worked at a SuperCenter retail establishment that I won’t even step inside, and was described as “mixing up her words a lot when she talks but usually we can understand her.” No.

So now we’re in the uncomfortable position of having one parent drop everything in the middle of the day, run over to the school and get the kids, then scramble to finish work. For their part, MGM and Trixie love coming to my office, where they get to have a snack, watch videos on my Ipad or explore the interesting workplace.

MGM even found an amazing shiny implement that he wanted for digging in the sandbox, but I drew the line at taking home a speculum.

We really need to solve this nanny situation soon.

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