How To Quit Your Job (A Work of Fiction)

Memo: How TO QUIT YOUR JOB

 

  • First, don an amazing outfit; I mean a truly spectacular one. Wear lipstick. You’re going to want to look good for this.
  • Do it in person and in writing. On the morning of the day you quit, request a brief meeting with your boss, and say it is time sensitive. In the meeting, say that you are resigning. Be pleasant but neutral. Practice this ahead of time in order to actually be pleasant and neutral when it matters.
  • Accompany your verbal notice with a written one. Keep this extremely brief; state you are resigning and give your suggested final day at this workplace. If you are leaving but not entirely happy with the departure, it’s ok to NOT fill the page with words thanking your current employer for making conditions so bad that you are leaving. That would be inauthentic, and that is something you are not. However …
  • Be gracious. Wish your colleagues the best in the future. Even if you don’t feel that way right now, it’s a classy gesture.
  • If offered an exit interview, YOU MUST RESIST the temptation to Put It All Out There. Spoiler alert: they don’t care what you really think at this point, and odds are nothing is going to change from what you say. Save your catharsis for your friends.
  • Refrain from using the phrase “with mixed emotions” to describe any aspect of your departure. This is trite, overused and makes you look both inarticulate and unimaginative.
  • Know that they will talk sh*t about you. They just will. You don’t need to like this fact, but you do need to know it. You see, other people are going to watch you walk away and that might force them to put a mirror to themselves and their own lives, and they may not like what they see. So for some it will be easier to trash you, call you a fool, shake their heads and say that you never belonged here in the first place. Secret: some of them will actually be jealous because you are doing something they wish they could do. Some may be inspired to follow your lead and exit. Some will be happy for you, and they are called your friends.
  • Time it strategically for your benefits. This is a practical one: some companies have benefits programs where if you work a few days out of a month, your benefits will continue until the end of the month. It may feel tidier to quit on July 31st versus August 3rd, but those extra days may mean a significant financial difference, especially if you have to pay for COBRA coverage.
  • In you can swing it, throw your own going away party and pay for the booze! This way you can invite who you want, focusing on the people you like, and there has to be at least someone you still like there. Avoid an awkward lunch party in the conference room at all costs.
  • Also, if possible, give yourself a bridge between finishing one job and starting another. Honor and enjoy the time off, because as adults we rarely get to do this. Go to a tropical island if you can, because your new job may require some significant nose-to-the-grindstone time before you earn/can afford another vacation.
  • Be Brave. Know that you are strong and will be Even More Amazing in your next iteration.

P.S. This is a work of fiction.

3 thoughts on “How To Quit Your Job (A Work of Fiction)

  1. I am so excited for you but a bit sad you are leaving. My patients loved your care. Have fun with P in the most fun part of this state! So wish the mother ship was there. I am on the hunt for the hammit bags here. All the best.
    Your blog is so much fun!!

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