Vacillations

I’ve been vacillating lately between two dichotomous moods: YOLO and Why Bother?

Regarding YOLO (You Only Live Once):

Being off work has held a special danger for me: since I’ve had more time than usual to spend online, this has involved online shopping.

My YOLO streak has included a serious spending spree at Jenni Kayne – a wildly expensive brand I mentioned a few weeks ago – that netted me two sweaters and THREE pairs of shoes. [Spouse, if you are reading, please, please resist the temptation to do the math on this haul.]

I also bought a new swimsuit. Seriously, this almost qualifies for like-a-fish-needs-a-bicycle status. My reasoning: I really want to go on a long-planned vacation in March and with my recent surgery, I don’t think any of my old suits may fit or look right. It pained me, but I ordered a one-piece suit from Lilly Pulitzer that looked cuter on the model.

Speaking of that vacation, it is still kind of on the fence. I booked it over a year ago, and it is a version of the same vacation we have taken ten times already: a Disney Cruise. I only mildly apologize for the dorkiness factor that comes with taking a Disney Cruise ten times. This one leaves from Miami, which is a new port for us. I was planning to arrive two days early to enjoy some extra vacation time, but when I went to find hotel accommodations I quickly discovered that high season in Miami comes with limited options and huge price tags. My beloved St. Regis was not even available. A similar property had very little space and the rooms were exorbitant – over 4 figures per night. I suddenly remembered the huge stockpile – almost a million – of Marriott points I had been hoarding (Why? Not sure what mythical trip I was waiting for), and in true YOLO spirit, I blew 250,000 of them for two nights lodging in Miami.

Girl Scout Cookies. Normally I would avoid these like the nutritional plague, but YOLO, I have made quick work of several boxes and the cookie season is not over yet.

Regarding Why Bother?

In my darkest moments, there are thoughts of Why Bother? Boiled down it could sound even worse: Why bother living if you’re dying from cancer? New shoes don’t matter when you’re dead. That swimsuit won’t see much use if I am confined to my sofa, too ill to travel.

One of my biggest vacillations is my wedding ring.

A supremely unfortunate, albeit accidental, trip through the garbage disposal NEARLY FOUR YEARS AGO rendered my wedding ring useless.

With salvage unlikely, I quickly decided to laugh it off and patiently bide my time until I could get a shinier bauble.

Suddenly we’ve fast forwarded to now, and I’m still ring-less, which reflects nothing on the state of my marriage and is occasionally confusing for people who don’t know me well.

Why Bother or YOLO? The ring of my dreams (rings?) is comically out of reach, so Why Bother with something else? After all, I’ve survived four years already without. Or do I just move on, find something more realistic and YOLO forward? I do not have the answer.